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> [fanfic] The Diary Of Nanasawa Kimiko, My first and last if you dont like it
Screamer
Posted: Jan 8 2005, 10:52 AM
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True, never believed grammar mistakes could help anyhow...
I just wanted to say the thing you put in a few words: Kimiko couldn't mistaken that way...
So, this was Muck wink.gif
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Murmex
Posted: Jan 8 2005, 10:57 AM
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Yay but actually because of the <> she's writing in Japanese, and it's only a translation of what she's writing. I don't think Muck knows the common grammar mistakes in Japanese and it would be better to use English grammar mistakes rather than translated Japanese mistakes...
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Screamer
Posted: Jan 8 2005, 11:02 AM
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Dunno why you lack trust in Kimiko that much, Murmex. smile.gif I think she's a clever girl and must have been such in 12...
Grammar mistakes only bring a "deep searing pain in [one's] grammar sense" © ph00tbag - so let's pretend Kimiko didn't make mistakes...
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flybank
Posted: Jan 8 2005, 12:49 PM
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QUOTE (IamMuck @ Jan 4 2005, 12:17 AM)

Entry 38-

<That was so much fun!!!
There was a new server at Ann Millers. I can't remember what her name was, but Miya's mom is never going to forget her.
We were sitting in two booths right next to each other. Miya's mom was sitting with the older kids, and me and Miya were in the other one. This server was carrying two coffee pots over to a lot of people. When she came by our tables a customer shouted something. She jumped and fell one the floor. When she fell, so did the two pots. One fell on her and the other fell right on Miya's mom's head. We couldn't stop laughing after that.

If I ever work somewhere like this I know that's never going to happen to me.
\

That was so good. "That will never happen to me." Famous last words indeed.

I still think you are writing at too high a level. Kimiko is not really that bright. Not dissing the girl, but she seems to be just at a high average, and you have her skills at way to high a level for who she is. I doubt Charlotte Bronte or Elizaeth Browning could write half as well at 10.

Of course, if you are familiar with Ring Lardner's Busher, he wrote a lot better than a high school dropout

That said, it is still great. I like the set ups. I like the delivery.


Why don't you just set up some space on your ISP and have a story section? Most ISP's have 10 megs and you probably aren't using that much at yours. Send the links Email.

This is good stuff
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Murmex
Posted: Jan 8 2005, 05:15 PM
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QUOTE (Screamer @ Jan 8 2005, 06:02 PM)
Dunno why you lack trust in Kimiko that much, Murmex. smile.gif I think she's a clever girl and must have been such in 12...
Grammar mistakes only bring a "deep searing pain in [one's] grammar sense" ph00tbag - so let's pretend Kimiko didn't make mistakes...

laugh.gif
Actually it was only to be on Muck's side ^^
And please, don't tell me you want a perfect Kimiko... Perfection is sooo boring ^^
But yeah this is quite a common mistake (and not only in English) si I couldn't tell if it was made on purpose or not...
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ph00tbag
Posted: Jan 8 2005, 11:38 PM
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QUOTE
Yay but actually because of the <> she's writing in Japanese, and it's only a translation of what she's writing. I don't think Muck knows the common grammar mistakes in Japanese and it would be better to use English grammar mistakes rather than translated Japanese mistakes...

True enough, but there are still better ways of showing youth. Especially at the age of twelve when children begin to wrestle with the transition into adulthood, and their minds begin to get clouded by a conflict between emotion and logic. If anything, the internal conflict of puberty should be employed more heavily than an inability to communicate effectively, because the latter isn't universal; for all we know, Kimiko's mother is a stringent grammar nazi, and Kimiko has known correct grammar since she was three. However, we can be sure that Kimiko will deal with emotional instability and general awkwardness ahead, and that in the past, she dealt with the innocence attributed to young children. Language is a very powerful tool, but is dangerous when intentionally misused.
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Shotoman
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 02:22 AM
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Bah, I'm 22 with a command of the Enlish language quite a bit above that of my peers (they've mentioned it, themselves), and even I'll say something along the lines of "me and my dad" if I'm talking or writing fast enough. Some part of my subconscious fwapps me for it immediately thereafter, but it still happens. And in any event I think everyone is making a mountain out of a molehill, here.
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HamHam
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 02:12 PM
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The "... and I" rule is frankly superflous at best, and is probably more useless then even all the quotation rules. Thus using it is really optional. Thus in a diary that is probably being free written without pause and with little concern for formality dropping the formal structure is a very natural thing to do. Which is all the rule is, a formal structure with no real functional purpose.

As for the writting being too sophisticated, I wrote that well when I was ten, if not better. But then again, I'm a genius.
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MadDoctorD
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 02:15 PM
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QUOTE (HamHam @ Jan 9 2005, 02:12 PM)
As for the writting being too sophisticated, I wrote that well when I was ten, if not better. But then again, I'm a genius.

Gah!!
What arrogance! laugh.gif
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-=Junpei=-
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 02:35 PM
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Just noticed something.
The topic of this thread says 'my first and last if you dont like it.'
You didnt have to put that. People don't have to like your writing for you to keep going.
If you want to be the best fic'er here, keep writing no matter how much people don't like it.
Guaranteed, no matter how bad or good or weird it is, someone will truthfuly like it.

This is pretty good for a first fic, Muck. ((WAY better than my first attemt.))
Can't wait to see the next installment!
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IamMuck
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 06:39 PM
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It would seem a little enlightenment is needed in this room. I was planning on being mysterous and not putting up anything but the entries, but some of the arguing here seems to need a small turn in the right direction.
For starters, Hamham, I am more then glad that you have an ego, and enjoy showing it off, but I'd prefer that if you were going to say something like "I'm a genius" could you please put some indication that you're making a joke? I don't mean to overset my bounderies, but I don't like people saying something that might offend someone elses inteligence. See, if someone wasn't quite that good at grammer when they were ten then that comment of yours might make them feel dumb.

Everyone seems to be looking at my methods of grammer in many different ways. I'm not going to come out and tell you why I do what I do, but I will be indirect. In my opinion, the person writing and the character they are writing are two different people in almost every way. This being understood, I would like to say that when I write my stories, the words are almost always the way I want them to be.

And finally, a word to -=Junpei=-, the reason behind what I said in title did not refer to my overall fanficing, but this one specific fanfic. If people didn't like this one, then I'd start over with a new one.

And if the constant sayonara's are bothering you, then I'll stop. I just thought it was cute.


Also, just as a fun fact, the description for Oken I took from my own cat Mandy.





Entry 86-

<It's been a week since I found that letter and my class hasn't gotten anywhere close to the words in the letter. I would have waited longer, but I'm not taking English anymore. I finished English classes the school needed me to take, and I wanted to take more. It's just amazing how hard the language is. Now I understand why Americans hate learning Japanese, or any other language.

Anyway, since my mom is a teacher, she thought I didn't need to learn English. I hate fighting with her, so I didn't. She let me pick what class to take next, so I'm going to take art.

I still want to find out what the letter says, so I'm getting help from Rika, one of my newer friends. Her mom studied English almost every year she could in school. I'm going to ask Rika if she could ask her mom to write down what the letter says.

Well, I need to stop, my hand is tired.

Bye bye for now>





Entry 93-

<Wow. Megumi-chan SUGO! I finally found out what Megumi said to those jerks. I could never see Megumi saying something like that, but now that I think about it......wow!! I don't need to rewrite what she said, I'm never going to forget it.

Oh yeah, Rika said her mom would be glad to rewrite the letter so I can understand it. She told me Rika would bring it to me tomorrow. I am real happy that I'll finally find out what the letter says, but I'm worried too. Today dad came home and seemed like he was going to yell at the first person he met. But when he came to me, he suddenly smiled and asked how school was.

I'm worried, so I hope tomorrow comes soon.
So I'm going to bed early tonight.


Goodnight>






Entry 94-

<Rika gave me the rewriten letter, and I read it.>
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Murmex
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 07:30 PM
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You little b**** (ok just joking)
Why did you have to stop there... Gnn we'll have to wait now.. ksssss
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Javer
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 07:38 PM
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Nice to see you're keeping on keeping on, Muck. happy.gif Such tenacity shows promise! Plenty of writers can't stay motivated enough to get past the first chapter.
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MadDoctorD
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 07:41 PM
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GOSH DARN IT!!!
Why didn't you go into detail about what it said??? >.<

And Javer, I would like to see you write a fanfic yourself! happy.gif
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Javer
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 07:48 PM
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Thanks, MadDoctorD. smile.gif

Actually, I have written part of one, but to put it lightly, it's not looking too hot at the moment. I'll probably tear it down and start from scratch at some point in the future.
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HamHam
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 07:57 PM
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QUOTE (IamMuck @ Jan 9 2005, 06:39 PM)
For starters, Hamham, I am more then glad that you have an ego, and enjoy showing it off, but I'd prefer that if you were going to say something like "I'm a genius" could you please put some indication that you're making a joke? I don't mean to overset my bounderies, but I don't like people saying something that might offend someone elses inteligence. See, if someone wasn't quite that good at grammer when they were ten then that comment of yours might make them feel dumb.

On the contrary, if I wasn't a genius being worse than me would be dumb, while as it stands it is only normal. There's nothing wrong with being normal, otherwise what would be the point of being abnormal? And it's certainly not my fault that I'm smarter then the rest of you.

(And if anyone has not noticed I'm being 70% flippant, you need either a sense of humor or a set of Clue-by-Fours, or both)
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IamMuck
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 08:38 PM
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Point taken, but I would appreciate it if you would not talk like that here. Now, if I'm overstepping my limits, tell me. But this is my little section of the forum, and I'd like to have it my way.

And also, what fun would it be if I told everything that would happen at once?

I know exactly what the next few entries are going to say. Now, I could post them for you right now, but I would like to remind you all of this, if I list the entries out of the order and pace I want them in, then the this fanfic will not give you the ideas and feelings I expect it to. Plus, I like messing around.

I'd like to share a little personal fact to everyone here. Ever since I started reading Megatokyo and learning about Fred, I've always wanted to be, in a way, like him. Coming up with something that everyone loves. And on top of that, I want to go through all the good and bad things with it. Promising to update at a constant pace, having to work twice as hard to keep that pace, sometimes falling behind and getting near-death threats if it happens again, and all that.

I want to do that for one simple reason.

This is going to sound rather corny to a lot of you, but I believe that I'm ment to make large groups of people. On top of writing, I sketch, I play an instrament (and not half bad I might say), I constantly make jokes (some bad, and some REALLY bad), and I also seem to have been given a slightly, for lack of a better word, wider view on the human mind; along with a more complicated mind of my own.

See, I can never seem to stop thinking. When I say that, I don't mean that I keep thinking of new ideas, I just mean that my mind keeps going on and on about anything. But when I'm faced with a topic, my mind sets most other things aside, and things constantly on that one thing.

That's why I'm a huge MT fan. Thanks to Fred's handywork, I have more and more to ponder on.




Anyway, I hope you don't mind me boring you with a lot about myself. I just never get a chance to talk about it to people.

To me honest, this Fanfic is more popular then I imagined it would be. Thanks.
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HamHam
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 08:52 PM
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QUOTE (IamMuck @ Jan 9 2005, 08:38 PM)
Point taken, but I would appreciate it if you would not talk like that here. Now, if I'm overstepping my limits, tell me. But this is my little section of the forum, and I'd like to have it my way.

Probably, but if I yell at you about it I'll have to go yell at Effiel about it... and it would all be such a bother. I think I'll just save up my rightous wraith until someone tries to do something really stupid like make a shipper thread and tell anyone who disagrees to get out...
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ph00tbag
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 10:25 PM
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QUOTE
In my opinion, the person writing and the character they are writing are two different people in almost every way. This being understood, I would like to say that when I write my stories, the words are almost always the way I want them to be.

I suppose all I can say to this is that it still doesn't sit right with me. Especially not with Kimiko. Maybe with Piro, but not with Kimiko. Then again, I'm biased, so You can feel free to write me off as a grumpy old fanboy.

QUOTE
I would appreciate it if you would not talk like that here. Now, if I'm overstepping my limits, tell me. But this is my little section of the forum, and I'd like to have it my way.

Actually, you are overstepping your limits. Being the OP in a thread gives you no predisposition to control the content of subsequent posts. If you can't deal with the responses of other people, then that's your problem, not theirs.

There's some basic netiquette for you.

This post has been edited by ph00tbag on Jan 9 2005, 10:28 PM
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Screamer
Posted: Jan 9 2005, 11:58 PM
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Dunno what's this all about?
Muck, take a look at HamHam! See this tummy, those cu73 lil ears, these kawaii glasses... Of course he's a genius!!!

P.S.: listen to your fans - they are sensitive... smile.gif
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HamHam
Posted: Jan 10 2005, 12:14 PM
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QUOTE (ph00tbag @ Jan 9 2005, 10:25 PM)
I suppose all I can say to this is that it still doesn't sit right with me. Especially not with Kimiko. Maybe with Piro, but not with Kimiko. Then again, I'm biased, so You can feel free to write me off as a grumpy old fanboy.

But her comments in the comic mark as particularily perceptive about some things, wise to put it simply. That, to me at least, is an indication of possible above-average mental development.
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Jarrakul
Posted: Jan 10 2005, 12:47 PM
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True, but mental development is not always equal in all areas. In fact, I think that it would be safe to say that it is never equal in all areas. Thus, while Kimiko may be unusually perceptive for her age, she may be average or even below average in other things, such as grammar.

This post has been edited by Jarrakul on Jan 10 2005, 12:48 PM
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Screamer
Posted: Jan 10 2005, 12:59 PM
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Either way, the idea is that when fan-fic contains grammar mistakes, those mistakes may be mistaken for mistakes [wink.gif] of the author. This Jap->Eng thing only makes things worse...
For kodomo, one'd better let her speak nonsense, funny childrens' stuff and like that.
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IamMuck
Posted: Jan 10 2005, 07:35 PM
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I'm very sorry for being pushy. Now that I look back at it, I don't really know what was wrong. But whatever.

And Screamer, I do listen to the responces, but I don't think they could be considered from fans, unless you mean by people who read my story.

Speaking of the story, I think it's time to put up the next entry. Sad to say, I'm only putting up one this time. Before I do, I need to make something very clear. If you want to graps the full gravity of this entry then take a look at the last one. And before you try to correct me, I do know how short the last one is, take a look at it again anyway.






(Age 15)
Entry 95-

<I've looked back at everything I've written in this. It seems I should update some things I didn't finish explaining.

For starters, Miya's parents got new jobs in Osaka last year, so they had to move. She offered to give back the braclet. She thought since she wouldn't be close to Megumi and me that she shouldn't take her part of our "Triangle of Friendship" we called it, to Osaka. Megumi and I told her she had to take it with her. Miya fought back, but we won in the end.

Speaking of Megumi, we've become even better friends. Though I must say, I am a little jelouse. She seems to be, well , "growing" a bit faster then me. But that's ok, I can wait.

Oken's gotten a lot bigger. He can't fit in my hand anymore, but he's still as cute as ever. He's on my lap right now, doing his light purr I love to hear. He's coward when it comes to strangers. If he doesn't like you he makes sure you know it. He doesn't meow or hiss, but he gets his point across. It took him almost two months to be friends with Megumi. He'll only sit in Megumi's or my lap now.

I'm doing a lot better in art class then I thought I would. I'm still far from the best, but I am passing. Oh, and that reminds me. It would seem everyone was right about Mihako. He's more obsessed then ever with his manga, anime, and games. He keeps telling everyone his new love is this young actress that just started her career. Her name's Hayasaka. I haven't hear anything she's done, but she must be real good. I should try to find some of her work sometime.

I guess that leaves everything tied up, except the letter. I never read it again after that one time. Even so, I'm never going to forget what it said. It's been so long, I suppose I could let out my feelings about it down on paper, but not tonight, my hands tired.

The sun's been down for a long time. The snow is amazing. I can see it so clearly from my window. It still looks the same as the snow that fell when I was young.

Goodnight.>
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Javer
Posted: Jan 10 2005, 07:54 PM
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The last few sentences lend a feeling of sleepiness and content to the whole picture. Lovely imagery.

Age 15 is not an easy time . . .
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