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> [fanfiction]remembering Gray, The Ping story (A fic by Hibiki)
TheGreatHibiki
Posted: Aug 27 2004, 01:27 PM
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From the author of Gray Series

Comes a slight continuation.

Not to sure about it but it popped in my head. Very short. Hope you like it.


Remembering Gray
By
Hibiki

He was running playing on an late autumn day; his mother was nearby, reading a mushy book like his daddy always called it. His breath shown in the brisk cool air.

At seven years old, Itaru Sonoda was a bright and happy child. Like his grandfather though he had an adventurous side his grandmother and mother hated. He had run off chasing some of the other boys around playing cops and robbers and had gotten lost in the dense brush of the park. What seemed like hours came to pass and Itaru scratched and nicked by the bushes finally saw a clearing ahead of him.

He found himself upon an old forgotten path; weeds and overgrowth were trying to reclaim the path. And here he heard faint humming. So very sad yet perfect, it flowed from one note to another almost rhythmically. He followed the sound; taking note this part of the park had been unused for years. Finally he came across an old park bench that had seen better years; upon it was a pretty girl wearing an old styled dress. The humming stopped when she heard his footsteps approach. Her head rose and Itaru saw she had tears in her eyes. She looked to be about sixteen, her platinum colored hair shined brightly in the morning light. Her hair, somewhat long was pulled down into a simple pony tail that trailed down her neck.

<“Hello.”> She called out, a high but sweet voice. Itaru bowed and repeated her greeting.

<“Hello.”>

<“Not too many people come here anymore, are you lost?”> She asked. He nodded. She patted the old bench with her hand, motioning for him to come sit with her. He obliged but was slightly cautious. His family had warned him not to trust strangers. But this girl seemed very safe. Upon her ears, he noted, more like part of her ears were twin objects, they looked just like wiper blades on a car’s window. She smiled brightly at him.

<“My name is Ping, what’s yours?”>

<“I… Itaru, Itaru Sonoda.”> Ping seemed to be shocked at the name, and her smile seemed a little more stressed than before.

<“Really I know a girl named Yuki Sonoda, she is really nice, and she has a crush on my Onii-chan!”> Itaru blinked. Yuki was his mother’s name.

<“Why are you hear Ping-san?”> He asked her. She smiled and looked up at the patch of sky visible through the leaves.

<“I’m waiting for Onii-chan to come back. This was his favorite place to go. If he comes back everything will be okay and everyone will be happy again.”> Her smile faded into a monotonous look.

<“Where did he go?”> He asked, his eyes seem to grow heavier.

<“He left for America, back to his home a week ago. But I know he will come back. I know it.”> Itaru heard no more falling asleep, exhausted from his trek. He fell against her softly, her body warm and soft. Upon her was a smell of earth, like someone who worked in a garden all their life. He felt himself be lifted up in gentle arms. He was being carried, someone who was warm and smelled nice. Voices he heard.

“Itaru!?” His mother… He felt himself be passed as he struggled awake. His mother’s smell, of cooking and books, the other smell had gone away.

<“Momma?”> His eyes opened to see his mother, 29 year old Yuki Sonoda, looking very much like her mother at that age, still beautiful as she was in high school. Around them were the children he had played with and their parents. Yuki hugged him closer

<“Itaru, oh thank God, we were looking all over for you!”> Itaru looked around for his savior. And there she was, away from the rest of them with a peaceful smile upon her face. She seemed distant then, not so much real as she when he first saw her. Yuki looked up also, noticing Ping. Ping looked uneasily at his mother.

<“Ping-chan… Thank you for finding him… thank you.... Where have you been, Piro-san has been looking all over for you.”> Ping seemed to start.

<“AH! Piro Onii-chan! I gotta go back and wait for him. Bai Bai Itaru-kun!”> With that she raced off. Upon her back there had been a long streak of black, as if she had been hit by lightning. The late autumn rains began to roll in and Ping soon disappeared from sight.

* * *

Itaru went back a few more times after that, sometimes his mother with him, but they never saw Ping again. Just the lonely bench in a forgotten part of the park.

It was like she was never there, nothing more than an image from long ago.

A ghost remembering the past.

END.

Quickly written and probably will be rewritten, something’s are left unanswered.


C&C welcome... Esspecially for this one.

This post has been edited by TheGreatHibiki on Aug 27 2004, 01:45 PM
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hikaru99
Posted: Aug 27 2004, 01:48 PM
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Not bad at all though a bit short. 4 out of 5 chili padi

Great to see a good story you have written from my suggested ideas. The strange coincidence is that I just bumped in to an old classmate from junior high and we haven't met for over ten years. rolleyes.gif

This post has been edited by hikaru99 on Aug 27 2004, 01:50 PM
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dimension_drift
Posted: Aug 27 2004, 04:06 PM
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Well written, though I agree with hikaru99 in that it's a tad short. Still an enjoyable read. Reminds me of Bicentennial Man for some reason... (which is odd, considering I only saw half that movie smile.gif)

Just a quick nit-pick... if Ping was waiting for Piro for however long she has (too lazy to figure it out), how did she recharge herself?
[EDIT:] Never mind, it probably had something to do with the lightning. Forgot about that smile.gif [/EDIT]

This post has been edited by dimension_drift on Aug 27 2004, 06:34 PM
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porfiry
Posted: Aug 27 2004, 04:13 PM
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I think this is my favorite of the series - it is true to the characters and simply written, like a fable. If it became longer it would be a different story - most likely still a good one, but different. This is good as it stands. But it made me really sad that Ping got hit by lightning (if Sonoda's perception was correct).
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Lukkai
Posted: Aug 27 2004, 06:40 PM
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QUOTE (TheGreatHibiki @ Aug 27 2004, 09:27 PM)
<“Why are you hear Ping-san?”>

Should be "here" right?

And I think this is the key part of the time question dimension:
QUOTE
Upon her back there had been a long streak of black, as if she had been hit by lightning.

This is very good imho. Perfectly suits the other stories.

A few points I noticed:

"Piro-san has been looking all over for you."
- So he did come back and, as it seems, settle down.

Yuki Sonoda and Itaru Sonoda. Did she not marry at all and parted ways with the father or marry, get a divorce and took on her old name again? Both would be possible I guess.

Ping being like a ghost from the past. So sad and yet so beautiful. We know she can never reach her goal, but as practically no time passes for her and she always feels the hope, she's so happy and lucky in a certain way. She'll never feel dissappointed.

Why do I suddenly see the picture of a still the same looking Ping, again be found at this place by a young boy much later. A boy who, after she helped him back into the still frequented part of the park and vanished again, suddenly remembers the tales his grandfather told the boy about that strange robot girl his grandfather once lived with and that he never found again after coming back to Japan, although he tried for years.
(Ping as kind of a legendary guardian for the Sonoda, Piro and LaGrange family, going by your stories... I get this 'mythical' feeling.)

This post has been edited by Lukkai on Aug 27 2004, 06:47 PM
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PatheticEli
Posted: Aug 27 2004, 06:45 PM
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Hibiki-kun, you gave me the warm fuzzies again...I haven't had that feeling since you put out the gray series..Ahh..thankyou, for bringing back fond memories, albeit a bit sadly. ^^
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Tempormagus
Posted: Aug 27 2004, 07:43 PM
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Here are my scores:

Technical: 9.5
Descriptiveness: 10.0
Characters: 10.0 (+10 because it's Ping!)
Continuity: 9.0 (Yuki is what now? And it's kind of weird to have it so distant in time from your other Gray Series stories)
Utter coolness: 10,000,000,000.

I really envy your storytelling skills.
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4znh31r41z3r
Posted: Aug 27 2004, 11:51 PM
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Hibiki, this is wai I wubs ya so much! *Glomps*
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Tempormagus
Posted: Aug 27 2004, 11:55 PM
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QUOTE (4znh31r41z3r @ Aug 27 2004, 11:51 PM)
Hibiki, this is wai I wubs ya so much! *Glomps*

And you say you're not a fanboy...
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Vavrek
Posted: Aug 28 2004, 02:00 AM
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smile.gif


I, too, think a longer version would be nice, though I do hope the style of this piece apart from the others could be maintained. As you said, some questions are left unanswered, both in literature and in life.

I think I shall have to re-read this story a few times to get it all.

*Now has a pleasant, warm and fuzzy feeling*
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TheGreatHibiki
Posted: Aug 28 2004, 08:31 AM
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Thank you all. happy.gif

Lukkai, The reason Yuki is still a Sonoda is because the traditional way in Japan if for the husband to take the wife's last name.

QUOTE
Just a quick nit-pick... if Ping was waiting for Piro for however long she has (too lazy to figure it out), how did she recharge herself?
[EDIT:] Never mind, it probably had something to do with the lightning. Forgot about that  [/EDIT]


One of the things I left unanswered, in fact that would be two. The lightning affected her memory core. She still believes it's a week after Piro and Largo left.

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PatheticEli
Posted: Aug 28 2004, 12:03 PM
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Its all so sad though....AGHH....Warm fuzzy feelings again...
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Chun
Posted: Aug 28 2004, 01:23 PM
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Damn you and your fanpeople (jealousy)... and your sweet-story-ness.

Nice job on this one. Does give that warm fuzzy feeling. Nice job.

~Chun
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PatheticEli
Posted: Aug 28 2004, 01:27 PM
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QUOTE (Chun @ Aug 28 2004, 07:23 PM)
Damn you and your fanpeople (jealousy)... and your sweet-story-ness.

Nice job on this one. Does give that warm fuzzy feeling. Nice job.

~Chun

AND YOU!!! <points fingers.>Do the next part of your fic you bastard! I wanna read!!!! laugh.gif
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GinnyStar
Posted: Aug 28 2004, 01:41 PM
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All of a sudden, I remember why I am a fangirl... that was great Hibiki! So sweet, but so sad... Poor poor Ping. Nice descriptions, and you really wrote in a great sad atmosphere.
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Chun
Posted: Aug 28 2004, 01:45 PM
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QUOTE (PatheticEli @ Aug 28 2004, 01:27 PM)
AND YOU!!! <points fingers.>Do the next part of your fic you bastard! I wanna read!!!!    laugh.gif

Trying not to get off topic, but there are many ways I can go from the place I wrote. In fact, there are many story arcs that I can build that will eventually lead to the end. Right now, I'm deciding which one is the best for people's enjoyment; the arcs that cater the most to interests.

Upon reading this fic, one of my story arcs got tossed. I hate repeating ideas.

~Chun

This post has been edited by Chun on Aug 28 2004, 01:48 PM
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PatheticEli
Posted: Aug 28 2004, 02:52 PM
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QUOTE (Chun @ Aug 28 2004, 07:45 PM)
Trying not to get off topic, but there are many ways I can go from the place I wrote. In fact, there are many story arcs that I can build that will eventually lead to the end. Right now, I'm deciding which one is the best for people's enjoyment; the arcs that cater the most to interests.

Upon reading this fic, one of my story arcs got tossed. I hate repeating ideas.

~Chun

Alright, just glad your working on it. happy.gif



Sorry bout teh offtopic. Bleh Hibiki...BLEH! Why must you leave us with such a somber ending!!!
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TheGreatHibiki
Posted: Aug 28 2004, 03:03 PM
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QUOTE (PatheticEli @ Aug 28 2004, 02:52 PM)
Sorry bout teh offtopic. Bleh Hibiki...BLEH! Why must you leave us with such a somber ending!!!

Because I like sad unhappy endings? I'm a cruel bastard, I couldn't make it even sadder?

[Shrug] I write what comes to my head....
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umhyuk
Posted: Aug 29 2004, 09:11 AM
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Umn, what can I say, everything I wanted to mention has been alreaddy(I'm definitly living in the wrong time sone here sleep.gif )

Like Lukkai I really like stories that leaves ansvers unansvered in a mystic way. Also I'm a fan of sad endings with questions unansvered. happy.gif
Nice work.
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hikaru99
Posted: Aug 29 2004, 01:27 PM
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You know, I think it would have been more dramatic if that kid was Yuki's grandson. It would be like the Cowboy Bebop episode where Faye visited her past. Maybe Yuki is the only character alive then to tell Ping what happened during her absence, of the days that passed her by.

Guess I have been watching too many sad anime lately.

How do you know when time has passed you by? I personally like this line from an old chinese song:

"when you can't remember what you wanted to forget.." rolleyes.gif
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Elcampbello
Posted: Aug 29 2004, 01:55 PM
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Hibiki- I read this while listneing to The Darkness-Love is only a feeling. It was so beutiful. So sad, yet so freaking beutiful. Makes me proud to me a Hibiki fan.
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Lukkai
Posted: Aug 30 2004, 12:17 PM
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QUOTE (TheGreatHibiki @ Aug 28 2004, 04:31 PM)
Lukkai, The reason Yuki is still a Sonoda is because the traditional way in Japan if for the husband to take the wife's last name.

Happens quite often I think. I forgot, sumen!

And umhyuk: You could say I like the way many of the chinese stories I heard so far ended. Sad, often with some questions unanswered, but not without hope.

And yeah, I loved the ending of 'Crouching Tiger...'! laugh.gif
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PatheticEli
Posted: Aug 30 2004, 12:23 PM
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Hehehe...Hero was a sad and yet hopeful ending. This story just brings out that feeling in me. Nice going dude.
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richvh
Posted: Sep 2 2004, 11:02 AM
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QUOTE (TheGreatHibiki @ Aug 28 2004, 09:31 AM)
Thank you all. happy.gif

Lukkai, The reason Yuki is still a Sonoda is because the traditional way in Japan if for the husband to take the wife's last name.

Another possiblity is that Yuki's husband was a Sonoda before they married. That's unusual, but not unheard of in the US, where there is probably a greater diversity of surnames than in Japan (it happened at least once in my own ancestry.)
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